DJ Harris

Sometimes….

I just want to kill myself for how I am. For things that I do with or without me even being conscious of it. I am always close to succeeding but I can never fully go through with it. I do not know why. It goes through my mind every time something bad happens but when I go to swallow the pills or jump in front of a car or fill in the blank here! I just can’t do it.

I fear I may have fucked up the only thing going good in my life. All for some stupid joke that was in poor taste. I can admit it. I’ve done it before though and didn’t think it would do be as big as it became. I don’t know anymore. I don’t mean to be hurtful or anything or to cause anyone pain but it’s what I probably do best at in life. Now isn’t that inspiring? The thing that I do the best at is hurting people and failing. Maybe I am fucked up in the head like my siblings. Maybe my parents should have put me on drugs to fix me like it fixed them. All my other siblings are all really fine when I think about it. Maybe I’m just jealous? I don’t fucking know anymore. I’m just sick of life and of living. 

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I really do. Something is, I just need to find out what and fix it, if it can be fixed. Maelyn, I love you. I love you a lot. I am sorry, for whatever I did. This may not fix it but it’s how I feel. You probably wont read this, if you do, good. If not, I understand. I Love You my SoulMAEt.

Great Idea… Pointless though

So, I just thought of a way we could save our Economy. Problem is, it wont work because Human Nature is to be selfish not selfless. Too bad huh?

Just kind of stuck… I guess

Well, the title kind of just tells it all, right? It’s true. For the first time in my life, I am to the point where I am not sure of what to do with my life. I know a lot of people have gone through this. Especially at a younger age, when everything is safe. So, what do you do when your 20 and it happens? I can’t just get the normal speech and the it’s ok’s and the follow your dreams crap. It’s too late for that now. I’m 20 years old and I’m terrified of everything. I’ve never been this afraid of anything to be honest. It’s that fear you get when you just want to curl up into a ball and cry or disappear, or even the fear that you want your Mom or Dad or Grandparents or Uncle to just hold you and tell you that every thing’s going to be ok and not to worry. Sadly, I don’t have that luxury. I also don’t have the luxury of being able to just follow my dreams without a serious risk being taken. Before you jump the gun and go: “Of course there’s a risk, everyone takes them following their dream”. Well, that’s a big DUH. Of course I already know that. The difference between me and most people, is that I don’t have this security shield and blanket for me. If I screw up, then I’m screwed. I didn’t get the i-Pod like everyone else. Still don’t have it. I don’t have the car that everyone gets from their parents. I don’t have a PS3 or XBOX 360 or even a Nintendo Wii. I don’t have those things. Who knows, I may never have those things. If I ever do, I’ll have to get it on my own. Work from scratch to get anything fun for me to have to myself. But, who knows how long that’ll take. Hell, I don’t even have the luxury of staying at my Grandparents house until I’m 25 and my life is set and THEN move out. Nope, I don’t even know if I’ll be 21 to be honest. Does it scare me? Yes. Why? Because I have no control over any of this. I’m not able to just walk slowly into life at my choosing. I don’t get all the things that everyone I grew up with got, out of nothing. I’m being forced to grow up. It sucks.  A LOT. All my friends ask me,” Donald, why can’t you hang out ever? Why can’t you come party? Why aren’t you acting anymore? Why are you always busy?” Well, I’m so sorry that my priority is surviving at the moment. While all of you get to go have fun and follow your dreams, I’m screwed out of it. I have to work, I have to save the money. I have to not have fun everyday. I still do. It may not be the way I want it to be or the way Mae wants it to be but it’s fun somehow. You learn to make the best of things I guess. I know I’m just ranting. I don’t care. This is something I really need to get off my chest. Mae is always hearing me complain. ALWAYS! hahahaha It’s true though. This is giving her ears a break though. I don’t know anymore, if you’re reading this and it seems like I’ve mentioned some kind of trait of you or something you do, I don’t mean to offend you. I don’t envy you though. I just hope you appreciate it and not take it for granted like I have. Be grateful of what you have. Be grateful you get a lot of things. Be grateful you get Financial Aid to go to College. I don’t even get that. Be happy you can follow your dreams without having to worry about rent or the fact that you could lose everything in an instant. Right now, I’m being dealt a bad hand. I know it’ll get better. Sooner or later I’ll get a hand that will be in my favor. Just the hard choice is to go all in or bet very little. It’s really hard to play poker without cards but that’s life. Well, if you read this, I want to thank you for reading my pent up emotions. This is not even everything that I have stored up but I feel better now so thank you. If you have any advice, please let me know lol. I’ll definitely listen to it and take it into consideration. Again, THANK YOU. 

-DJ Harris 

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

It’s of a train. Really weird I know.